Infidelity and Abuse in Marriages and Relationships

I have some random thoughts about recent events happening that are bothering me, and I feel the need to express myself.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger wrote a book a few years ago called Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives. Regardless of how you may feel about Dr. Laura, her past, and/or her political leanings, this book hit the nail on the head on why women stay in bad relationships and how they can escape from them. I have recommended this book to every female friend who was unhappy in her relationship or marriage, though I doubt any of them read the book.

In each case, my friends were justified in their dissatisfaction and/or unhappiness. However, each friend had a recurring mantra: "...but I love him, and I know he loves me too." No matter how confusing or how cruel his behavior was, every heart-breaking story of love abused and/or betrayed ended with some variation of that mantra. Sometimes, it was all I could do to keep from grabbing their shoulders and shaking some sense into them, screaming, "Are you listening to yourself? Do you realize what you're saying?" These are smart women who are blinded by their feelings for their men. If they could break free from the spell their husbands/boyfriends/significant others had on them, they'd see they were being mistreated, could do much better, and would leave. Even when it's blantantly obvious the spouse/significant other is cheating, abusive, neglectful, etc., each still wanted to hang on.

Actions speak louder than words. When your husband won't do anything around the house, but will zip out as soon as a neighbor calls asking him to do the same chore he's neglecting at home, that should be a red flag. When your husband doesn't take you out someplace, makes all the excuses in the world as to why, but then will go off with someone else to that same place, that should be a red flag. When he supposedly works all these overtime hours, doesn't get paid for these hours, won't do anything to demand payment for these hours, and still continues to work for that employer .... yes, red flag time.

Here are some of the behaviors I've witnessed or been told about by a few of my friends: unreachable by phone, acting different (short tempered, distant, defensive, etc.), neglecting chores at home, accusing them of cheating, withdrawing from family/friends, pointing out their spouse's flaws, the " I love you, but I’m not IN love with you " talk, secret e-mail accounts , up on computer to all hours , errands that should take 1/2 hour take much longer, claims to work overtime, yet no overtime on checks, too many visits to "friends", the "he's/she's just a friend" story, coming home late saying they " just lost track of time." This is a partial list compiled from http://www.survivinginfidelity.com. The complete list can be found here.

In the book Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives, Dr. Laura covered every situation, including the women who won't do anything to change the situation they're in. These women whine and cry and ask advice about their situation, but they do very little if anything about it. Dr. Laura advises them that their decision to stay in their unhappy situation should be respected. She also tells them they need to shut up and stop whining about it to other people. I couldn't have said it better myself. Years ago, some of us at work tried to help co-worker who was in a bad relationship; he was cheating on her and was blaming her for his cheating. She complained about it and about feeling trapped and asked each of us separately what she should do about it. Of course, we all said the same thing: dump his sorry butt. She did manage to leave him one time. We collected and gave her money and food to help her out. She went right back to him in less than a week. What's worse, he was overheard bragging about getting some money from her. As badly tempted as we were to ask for our money back, we kept our mouths shut. She quit work right after that. Whether it was out of shame or at her boyfriend's demand, I don't know.

No, I don't think I'm being too hard on any of them. I've been in an abusive relationship before. It was just a casual fling that lasted a little over a year, but I was manipulated and coerced into doing things that were ultimately painful. It was not until someone else showed an interest in me that I realized I was being used and mistreated. Of course, he blamed me, accusing me of "toying" with him and being mean to him. He got the message once I filed the police report against him. I won't go into detail of what I have heard about him since then, but I will say that I was wise to end the relationship and file that report. In my case, the warning signs that I should have heeded were: promises made but not kept, his not wanting anyone to know of the relationship, "don't call me ... I'll call you," "do it my way or I'll leave," blaming me for his behavior, claiming I was the one mistreating him when it was the other way around. I think that's when I decided to give celibacy a try. You know what? There's a lot to be said for it, but I digress ...

Here are some other web sites that are informative and can help you save your marriage/relationship or give you the strength to leave.

http://www.chatcheaters.com/
This site offers guidance, advice, and counseling concerning infidelity, both online and offline. It helps you spot the warning signs of possible cheating. According to this web site, cyber sex is the same as physical sex; the site explains why.

http://www.seeitandstopit.org/
Although this site focuses on teen dating abuse, the behaviors could also apply to the adult dating scene as well. In fact, a couple of scenarios grabbed my attention because some of these same abuses and excuses in the profiles were done to my above-mentioned female friends. In fact, I think this site is what started my thought processes that led me to write this entry. This site is helpful as it give examples on how to recognize abuse and stop it.

Before I close, I want to stress than men can and are abused in marriages and relationships, too. There are men who have been victimized in their relationships by women who cheated on them, abused them, neglected them, and/or took advantage of them in some way, shape, or form. I would also like to take this time to ask you, the reader, to make a donation to your local shelter for the battered and abused. It doesn't have to be money, it could be food, clothing, toys, personal hygiene items, books ... anything will help. You will help these poor souls to make that first step toward turning their lives around and giving them a chance for a happier life.